Shades of Blue

     I have debated about how, or if, I should write this post, and have come to the conclusion that if I read something similar during my blue period it would have helped. For now I will forgo sharing the full details of my son's birth, possibly for another post, but know that for the most part it was as perfect as giving birth can be. I enjoyed being pregnant for the most part, although I do relish getting to sleep on my tummy once again, and had only a few minor bumps along the way. Tyler and I couldn't wait for our son Kemp to arrive! I think I was more nervous about what came after delivery than before, even from the start. I think everyone has a preconceived notion about the kind of parent they want to be and I was no different. I looked forward to becoming a mother with equal parts excitement and trepidation. I wondered more than once how those people with smart, healthy, kind children did it and if they would write me a step-by-step guide. Looking back I wish I had been more open about my worries with my husband. Tyler is caring and strong, and even though he didn't share in many of my worries he always listened when I needed to talk about my feelings. From almost the outset of my pregnancy with Kemp my hormones went crazy, or more accurately I went crazy. If people warned me about the chance that this could happen it must have been while I was still high on the cuteness of my first child's adorable sonogram picture and completely impervious to the fact that this could happen to me.  I consider myself a relatively level-headed person, don't believe a word my husband says, and didn't really even give a second thought to how my hormones would affect me while pregnant. I began to feel overly worried about various things half way through the pregnancy. I worried about my weight gain, about if Tyler would still find me attractive, and even that he would develop feelings for other women. The last one was the most ridiculous and most frequent. Tyler was so patient and loving with me through it all, but it was very tough on me emotionally and sadly kept me from enjoying my pregnancy as much as I could have. After Kemp arrived we had an outpouring of love from our family and friends, but I began to have anxiety whenever there were too many people around at once. I remember crying in the shower almost daily and feeling overwhelmed when more than one person would come to the house at a time.  At my 6 weeks postpartum OB appointment I filled out a survey about PPD and most of the questions had to do with whether or not I thought about hurting myself or my baby. I never struggled with thoughts of hurting Kemp or myself and so I was quickly cleared and sent on my way. I don't blame my OB for not knowing because I honestly thought I was fine and she couldn't have known if I didn't share. I don't think I had full blown Postpartum Depression but I also don't think that what I was feeling was normal. I remember saying one day to my husband that I wished I could just fall asleep and not wake up, not because I wanted to die but because I desperately wanted to just sleep and stop worrying. It hurts me to think that if I just talked to other women during this time that I would look back on Kemp's first few months with more joy, Each week got a little easier and I felt a little less emotional but then it would just hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat there nursing my son one day and as my milk let down it felt as though every bit of happiness drained from me as my milk did. I felt embarrassed and self conscious about this because I loved nursing Kemp! I didn't share that I felt this way almost every time I nursed Kemp with anyone until later when it was gone, and then one day I came upon a board on a pregnancy website, (babycenter.com- I highly recommend being a part of an online mommy group!). The post was talking about weird things that happen while breastfeeding and a fellow mom shared about "the ickys" she experienced while nursing her child. I scrolled through the feed and came to another post about how this was called D-MER (http://www.d-mer.org/), and was common in many breastfeeding mothers during the first few months of nursing their child. Just reading that what I was going through was actually something others experienced made me feel a wash of relief! I read up on what causes D-MER and what can be done and honestly just being armed with the knowledge and knowing when I would experience being blue helped more than anything. As the first few months passed I noticed the negative emotions less and less until one day I was just able to enjoy cuddling my little one while nursing. I say all this to say, talk to someone, over share with your doctor, do your research, reach out. Do all this not just for yourself, but for your partner and your child. I have so many wonderful memories from the last year, but I feel like if I had just shared a little more going through my shades of blue it wouldn't have been as hard.