Pray Without Ceasing: Prayers for my son

     I struggle with fear, it is no secret. I have been through periods in my life where I have been able to surrender my fears and worries to God and allow him control but, as much as I wish it were different, those periods have gotten fewer and farther between. When I became a mother those fears multiplied and threatened to consume me. So how did I manage to crawl out of the closet where I had been hiding with all my fears strapped to me? I didn't, I prayed and my Father cracked open my doors and began sorting through the pitiful pile of worries I had buried myself under. One of my biggest worries is for the wellbeing of my son.

     I have shared in past posts about how my husband and I prayed over our son before he was born and I am reminded daily that I must continue this in his day to day life. How can I, as Kemp's mother, expect to make any significant impact on his life without praying earnestly and steadfastly, believing that God wants him to have a place in His kingdom for His glory? What good is my worrying doing? More than anything I want Kemp to be a member of God's kingdom and live to glorify Him, so prayer becomes my tool to influence my child in an impactful way.

     I have thought and dreamed of many things for Kemp. I wonder what he will grow to be and look forward to the many adventures that lay before him. I have prayed that he will be strong and courageous, loving and kind to those who need it, and that he will have a deep desire to be used by God. One thing that I had not prayed though, was for him to be a servant. I read a lot of good literature through my position at the PRC and one of the things that I find again and again is that we should pray our children become servants. Our mislead goals and values can warp our prayers and what seems best for our child may not be what God has for them. For Kemp to be great, he must be willing to serve others and go out into the world to share Christ. Forbes Robinson, in a letter, wrote: "I want you to be one of the best men that ever lived- to see God and to reveal him to men. This is the burden of my prayers. My whole being goes out in passionate entreaty to God that he will give me what I ask. I am sure he will, for the request is after his own heart. I do not pray that you may succeed in life, or get on in this world. I seldom ever pray that you may love me better, or that I may see you oftener in this or any other world-much as I crave this. But I ask, I implore, that Christ may be formed in you, that you may be made not in any likeness suggested by my imagination, but in the image of God- that you may realize not my, but His ideal- however much that ideal may bewilder me, however little I may recognize it when it is created..." I desire to pray like this for Kemp, even as scary as it is sometimes to fully give him to Christ (more to come on this later).
     As the mother of a young child I wait with bated breath for the day that my son receives salvation. I have agonized and wept in prayer for Kemp to accept Christ, to run to him! I know my father is listening to me and I know my prayers have weight, and I must continue them. I remember the story of Saint Augustine and his faithful mother, Monica. Monica prayed over her son for his salvation and was desperate for the day when he would receive it, but Augustine's father was just as keen to pull him in the other direction. As we know, Saint Augustine did become a Christian and he later wrote: "And now didst thou stretch forth thy hand from above and didst draw up my soul out of that profound darkness because my mother, thy faithful one, wept to thee on my behalf more than mothers are accustomed to weep for the bodily deaths of their children." What a testament to a mother's faithfulness and love! I am called to that for my son as well. Prayer will more than likely be my most effective ministry to my children's lives. I am continually burdened with how incomplete and lacking my prayers sometimes are and am committed to grow through this! I want to pray without ceasing!

Gone My Heart

It wasn't long ago I was walking around as a whole person. I remember it well, I felt strong and confident, my worries were minimal and fleeting. Life was mostly about me and my needs, my desires, and Tyler. The day of the changing started like any other, but with a little wiggly thought in the back of my head. A date had come and gone and it's lateness had taken me by surprise. As I waited those 3 minutes I talked to God, and with a feeling of pure exhilaration and fear I realized what I wanted at the end of those minutes. I began growing a second heart over the next few weeks, but little did I know I would lose them both that fateful day in a warm December.

The last few weeks of carrying our son were filled with equal parts blissful excitement and feeling largely uncomfortable. Not unlike that first missed date, his date came and went with no arrival. As the eighth day past began, Tyler and I headed to the hospital to help our son arrive. To say I was anxious would be a gross understatement. We were so excited and as ready as we could be for the son we had prayed over to enter our world and take his great-grandfather's name. The word induction hung over my head though, like a dark cloud, all that I had heard from others was about the length of the pain to be endured. My body was not prepared to part with its precious cargo and was stalling at a mere two centimeters and 80% effaced.
As Tyler and I filled out paperwork, I thought back over our journey to that point and how God had prepared us for that day. We both knew there were so many new things to come that were going to be out of our depth, but God was already there! God had been there when we found out we were having a child-he gave us courage and joy! God was there when I fell two different times while pregnant, and protected myself and our son. God was there strengthening our marriage for what he knew would be a trying time as Tyler and I both grew into our new roles as parents, and he was there on December third for the birth of our son,
We got settled into the room at the hospital and I spread out my not yet written thank-you notes from lovely baby showers, a book, and Tyler and I's supper. I smile in spite of myself for thinking I'd get all those things done while laboring. I was given Cervidil to soften my cervix at about 10 that night and was told to expect light cramping through the night, but that I should be able to sleep through it and then we'd get up at 5 am, shower and get ready to be induced. Tyler and I got comfortable and began to watch the season finale of The Walking Dead of all things, this also makes me smile! What a comforting and calming show to watch as you bring new life into the world, haha. I felt the first few waves of cramping and felt pretty good, but the pain quickly progressed passed being able to sleep and Tyler went to find a nurse. I went in to delivery with the resolve to try as long as I could without medication, but if I decided I couldn't do it that I would except it with no guilt or second thought. I honestly didn't feel I would make it long without an epidural because of the stories I had heard about being induced. As Tyler returned with the nurse and she removed the Cervidil, I felt a little embarrassed and more than a little defeated. I hadn't even made it through the "cramping" and now the induction might take even longer since I wasn't able to handle the Cervidil. The nurse told us to try and rest and that they'd try the Cervidil again in the morning. Rest did not come and the cramping got worse. I told Tyler that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, and how was I going to get through labor if I couldn't even get through the softening of my cervix? He was my rock, and sat right there with me holding my hand and talking me through it. Tyler went to find a nurse about an hour later to tell them we thought I was contracting and they told him they were watching my monitor, but that I would definitely know when I was in labor and that there'd be no question. We tried to rest, but every few minutes the pain would return for me until finally there was no break. On this side of my first delivery it seems obvious that I was in labor, but I kept being assured that it was cramping and it would pass. Before I went into labor I told myself I could make it through the first few centimeters and I reminded myself of that in that moment. Tyler went one last time to go and see a nurse at about 1 am and I told him I thought I was ready for an epidural. As she checked to see how far along I was she sat back and said to me"You are 9 centimeters dilated. The midwife isn't here, she's on her way, but don't push". I felt so many things in the moment, but the words that came out were- I am ready for the epidural and how do I not push? I obviously was too far along for an epidural and Tyler gave me a pitying look. After that everything moved fairly quickly and by 2 am I was pushing. The room was dark and calm and it was just Tyler and I and the midwife and a wonderful nurse. The nurses and doctors really were great, but I just don't think my contractions were showing correctly on the monitor. It is amazing how God designed our bodies to do this task. I don't remember having to think about anything I was doing, my body just knew. Tyler wiped my forehead and face as I worked to bring our son to us and the two God-sent ladies gave me encouragement and helped me to find the right position for me. At 3 am on the nose, Kemp David Thompson entered the world and I witnessed my husband cry his first happy tears. As our son was laid in my arms I marveled at weight of him. The utter relief and rush of adrenaline I felt as Kemp was born was amazing. The pain ceased and my fatigue was gone, at least for the next few hours. The adventure had begun!
There were many wonderful days and months ahead and I look back on them with such thankfulness to my God!  I sit here today writing this with my heart running around loose out there. It is no longer within me but within a tiny boy with bedhead at his first day of daycare. I didn't realize my heart would leave me, that I would forever be vulnerable when I became a parent. I didn't know the fear that would seize me when we left the hospital a day later. Only God has enabled me to part with that fear. So there it is, my beautiful birth story. I am so proud of it, not because of anything I have done, but because of the miracle that my son is and the beautiful thing that is delivery. I wouldn't change a thing.

Shades of Blue

     I have debated about how, or if, I should write this post, and have come to the conclusion that if I read something similar during my blue period it would have helped. For now I will forgo sharing the full details of my son's birth, possibly for another post, but know that for the most part it was as perfect as giving birth can be. I enjoyed being pregnant for the most part, although I do relish getting to sleep on my tummy once again, and had only a few minor bumps along the way. Tyler and I couldn't wait for our son Kemp to arrive! I think I was more nervous about what came after delivery than before, even from the start. I think everyone has a preconceived notion about the kind of parent they want to be and I was no different. I looked forward to becoming a mother with equal parts excitement and trepidation. I wondered more than once how those people with smart, healthy, kind children did it and if they would write me a step-by-step guide. Looking back I wish I had been more open about my worries with my husband. Tyler is caring and strong, and even though he didn't share in many of my worries he always listened when I needed to talk about my feelings. From almost the outset of my pregnancy with Kemp my hormones went crazy, or more accurately I went crazy. If people warned me about the chance that this could happen it must have been while I was still high on the cuteness of my first child's adorable sonogram picture and completely impervious to the fact that this could happen to me.  I consider myself a relatively level-headed person, don't believe a word my husband says, and didn't really even give a second thought to how my hormones would affect me while pregnant. I began to feel overly worried about various things half way through the pregnancy. I worried about my weight gain, about if Tyler would still find me attractive, and even that he would develop feelings for other women. The last one was the most ridiculous and most frequent. Tyler was so patient and loving with me through it all, but it was very tough on me emotionally and sadly kept me from enjoying my pregnancy as much as I could have. After Kemp arrived we had an outpouring of love from our family and friends, but I began to have anxiety whenever there were too many people around at once. I remember crying in the shower almost daily and feeling overwhelmed when more than one person would come to the house at a time.  At my 6 weeks postpartum OB appointment I filled out a survey about PPD and most of the questions had to do with whether or not I thought about hurting myself or my baby. I never struggled with thoughts of hurting Kemp or myself and so I was quickly cleared and sent on my way. I don't blame my OB for not knowing because I honestly thought I was fine and she couldn't have known if I didn't share. I don't think I had full blown Postpartum Depression but I also don't think that what I was feeling was normal. I remember saying one day to my husband that I wished I could just fall asleep and not wake up, not because I wanted to die but because I desperately wanted to just sleep and stop worrying. It hurts me to think that if I just talked to other women during this time that I would look back on Kemp's first few months with more joy, Each week got a little easier and I felt a little less emotional but then it would just hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat there nursing my son one day and as my milk let down it felt as though every bit of happiness drained from me as my milk did. I felt embarrassed and self conscious about this because I loved nursing Kemp! I didn't share that I felt this way almost every time I nursed Kemp with anyone until later when it was gone, and then one day I came upon a board on a pregnancy website, (babycenter.com- I highly recommend being a part of an online mommy group!). The post was talking about weird things that happen while breastfeeding and a fellow mom shared about "the ickys" she experienced while nursing her child. I scrolled through the feed and came to another post about how this was called D-MER (http://www.d-mer.org/), and was common in many breastfeeding mothers during the first few months of nursing their child. Just reading that what I was going through was actually something others experienced made me feel a wash of relief! I read up on what causes D-MER and what can be done and honestly just being armed with the knowledge and knowing when I would experience being blue helped more than anything. As the first few months passed I noticed the negative emotions less and less until one day I was just able to enjoy cuddling my little one while nursing. I say all this to say, talk to someone, over share with your doctor, do your research, reach out. Do all this not just for yourself, but for your partner and your child. I have so many wonderful memories from the last year, but I feel like if I had just shared a little more going through my shades of blue it wouldn't have been as hard.

My Mother's Hands

I have my mother's hands. I look at them while I am writing or reading sometimes and I smile and think of her. I think of all the wonderful things she does with those hands and it makes me proud that I have her hands. I have my grandmother's wit. She is wonderfully witty and quick and I love how easily our conversation flows when we're together. I have my father's eyes. He is wise and you can see it through his piercing blue eyes. I have my Pop's toes. He had long monkey toes and they make me laugh when I see them, then I remember his wonderful laugh and it makes me so glad to have his funny toes. I have my two sister's spirit. They are amazing mothers and they are smart. My sisters are both wonderfully unique and yet we share a kindred spirit that makes us long to be together. I have my two brothers level head, or maybe more accurately I occasionally do. They are steadfast and sure in their faith and life and I long to be more like them. I think of all these ways I have these bits of my family all bound up in me, coursing through my veins and beating in my heart and I wonder about Ty and I's Little B. Will you have Tyler's wildly think hair and love of lovely old things? Will you love to read like your mommy? Or travel like your Aunt Leigh? Who will you be? I can't wait to find out these things! Right now I know you have a lovely little nose. I know you do not like to have your picture taken when you're trying to nap, very sorry about that. You like to shake your little rump when I sing and you sleep better when I'm on my left side. I love all these things about you already Little B and I am excited to find how you are like your crazy and wonderfully quirky family that is awaiting your arrival.

For Little B

Your adventure didn't start too long ago Little B, although God has had you planned all along. Your daddy and I had decided to wait just one more year to grow our family just a little bigger, but God decided we needed you a bit sooner. We had our suspicions you may be on your way one weekend in March, and found out Monday March 25th that you had made us parents. I didn't think things would change too much right away but already your daddy was watching what I ate and drank (not fun by the way Little B!) and the smell of scramble eggs made me want to run out of the kitchen! We nicknamed you Little B early on because your daddy calls me HoneyBee, you'll probably cringe at that one day but your mommy loves it. God has changed me so much in the last few months, just for you. He has taken away the worrier your mommy used to be and replaced her with someone who's hope, trust, and faith is in the Lord. That doesn't mean that I still won't try to take that worry back sometimes, but the Lord has truly changed my heart. I pray continually for you Little B, I desire so completely that you become a child of God's. It took your mommy a little time to realize that that needed to come first in my prayers, even before the prayers for a perfectly healthy baby. I am so excited to meet you, but I am loving being pregnant with you. You haven't made me too sick, but goodness do you make me hungry! I love seeing my belly grow, not so much my thighs but I can't really be too mad at you, because I know that means you are growing bigger and stronger! You tapped, or kicked, on my belly Sunday, I hoped that means you liked my singing! Know this Little B, you are so loved by so many!

After...partially

Half of my house is up to par at the moment and so I will post that half of the pictures. I am recently out of quarantine after being sick so the house isn't up to blog standards, please bare with me.

This is the view from the back door looking into the kitchen. We have taken out the left wall and put in a half opening with an old barn shelf for a bar. Tyler worked really hard to bring the bar to life. The light is a Thomas Edison inspired light from Lowes. We'd still like to buy a nice vintage looking stove with a big hood.

Here is the entryway to the kitchen...you can't see it in this picture but Tyler has laid tile for a kind of mini mudroom feel.

More kitchen...I need to de-clutter my counter a bit I feel :]

Grainy picture of the living room from the far side. We painted and sealed floors in here and cleaned out the fire place.

Here is a good view of the widened opening in the wall.

The mini bathroom (haha), we painted and laid tile in here as well. I'm in love with the shower curtain (marshall special!).

This is my pride and joy and it sits in our spare bedroom/office. It is an antique pie safe but looks more like a lawyers' shelf to me. Tyler found it for me at an auction!

This picture is a bit grainy and I'll try for a better one later, but this is another of the spare bedroom/office. As you can see we painted the room red, I have issues-I love red too much, and sealed the floors. There is a really neat desk and Tyler's grandpa's gavel in the corner there along with a vintage school library sign that still needs to be hung. It is a work in progress but it's coming along!

Here are a few more of the living room...

Okay, so the bedroom will come later but I hope I gave you a little clearer picture of our little episode of "This Old House"! We love our little corner of Stanly County and we're looking forward to our adventures here as well as making it a home of the Lord!

Before...

I promised Mom and Dad I would post pictures of the house, but I figured I'd show the before pictures first so you get to appreciate the end affect a little more. Unfortunately, I didn't get complete before pictures. By the time I had taken these Tyler and his dad had already torn up the carpet and linoleum and sanded the floors but just imagine pink and green carpet and scary looking linoleum...

Kitchen view from the back door, kitchen view from the sink, kitchen view from the mini-hall

What we did so far: tear up linoleum, strip floors, remove two layers of wallpaper (oh and whomever thought wallpaper was such a good move should have to remove it for the rest of their lives), removed water heater from kitchen and moved washer and dryer hookups.

Bathroom (only view...its a little small for more :), living-room from hallway, our bedroom

What we did so far: Nothing in the bathroom, bedroom floor has had carpet removed and

floors stripped and walls primed, living-room has had carpets removed and floors stripped and walls primed and new front door.

Living-room view from the front door and office/spare-bedroom view from the living-room

What we did so far: Stripped floors in both rooms and primed walls.

When I say "we" though, I use that words loosely. Tyler and his dad did the majority of the work. I cleaned and took down wall paper in this phase. We were most excited about the original flooring and being close to the auction. I haven't really taken any pictures of the outside of the house because we haven't changed much, but I'll work on that! I am getting antsy to work in the yard this spring and do some landscaping. I am very proud of the home that we have and how much hard work Tyler has put into it! It has been an adventure and I have amazing memories already of this house.